I had the great good fortune to attend yesterday's White House event during which President Obama spoke movingly of the critical role that a father plays in the lives of his children and the important support and companionship a father offers to his children's mother.  He spoke, as always, with a deep authenticity and commitment that were palpable, and all of us were touched by his message and by his own personal story, which made him a most compelling messenger.  Many in the room were leaders of the fatherhood field -- men who run programs, do related research, exhort their peers to see fatherhood as a privilege as well as a responsibility, and others leaders, too. 
 
I asked myself repeatedly what the connection was between my 40+  year interest in pregnancy planning and prevention, and the remarkable collection of people in the East Room.  The answer, I hope, is obvious, and it is simply that children are more likely to have present, engaged fathers when pregnancy is undertaken deliberately and  is based on a commitment between the two parties to each other and to the decades required to raise a child in this complex society.  I actually think this connection is quite obvious, although  yesterday no one mentioned the importance of exercising great care in becoming a father in the first place.  Understandably, the main emphasis was being the best dad you can be to the children you already have.
 
Interestingly, no attention was given to why so many children are growing up without a father actively involved in their lives.  Consider for example the fact that almost 40 percent of births are now to unmarried women; for babies born to women 20 to 24, the percentage is 60. Now it is true that some of these unmarried mothers will marry the fathers of these children  --  perhaps after several years of living together -- but that is often not the case and these children often spend some or all of their growing up years in father-absent homes. I wonder how many national leaders will talk about this particular challenge when the Father's Day speeches crank up to fever pitch this Sunday.
 
I mentioned this to a reporter last week -- that advocates of father involvement  rarely address non-marital child-bearing -- and he said, "I never really thought about that..."   But I think President Obama has. And I think the rest of us should too.  Are fathers just nice if they happen to be around?  Or should we tell the truth, as the President did today, which is that children can make it without fathers (he being the shining example), but that the preferred scenario is committed parents raising children together.  And one of the best ways to move in that direction is to ask both men and women to think hard about starting  a family -- when, with whom and under what circumstances.
 
So, my one friendly suggestion to the Administration as it embarks on a national conversation about responsible fatherhood and healthy families is to include explicit attention to pregnancy planning and prevention. This entails personal responsibility on the part of men and women (along with responsible policies on the part of the public and private sector), which in turn will contribute to less non-marital childbearing, a greater chance that children will grow up with  present and involved fathers, and stronger families.

Sunday is father's day. A day society sets aside to honor our own fathers, and the fathers of our children. But one other generation of fathers is not getting enough attention--the fathers our sons will become (or not become). As of 2002, roughly 70 percent of young men had sex by age 19 even though less than a third are likely to be married by the time they reach 30. That's a lot of years to be careful about not getting pregnant until he's ready to be a dad. Most single guys in their early 20s are using some form of protection (85%), but that leaves 15% using nothing at all. And of those who say they use a condom only about one third say they use it every time.

The result? Among 15 to 24 year olds, 20% have already fathered a pregnancy, with roughly half being unplanned and most being outside of marriage (and that doesn't even count the pregnancies they don't know about).

My point? While we're busy reminding our sons to send a nice card or call their dads on father's day, let's take the opportunity to talk to our sons--remind them that being a dad is hard work, life changing even, and something that should wait until two people are committed to each other and to parenthood for the long haul. And that means being responsible in their relationships. It's one of the best ways to honor how awesome dads can be.

Please note this day.

The fact that four of ten births in the United States are now out-of-wedlock did not warrant a mention in the New York Times--- the one-time newspaper of record; the newspaper that promises "all the news that's fit to print." The Times had plenty-o-space for a front-page thumb sucker on the thriving economy of Norway (!), there was space for an article on two women switched at birth, there was even space for a lawsuit brought by some disgruntled students because they didn't get the inaugural experience they expected.

Children? Families? Poverty? Fatherhood? No room for you.

To be fair, the Times did have an online piece on the report on nonmarital childbearing that was written by terrific Stephanie Ventura from the National Center for Health Statistics. I guess that reporting significant increases in nonmarital childbearing is now relegated to the ether rather than dead tree land. Pity.

I'm left to wonder...given this indifference from a media table-setting outlet like the Times, why should we be surprised at our nation's exceedingly high rate of unplanned pregnancy?

P.S. If you do want to read a good story on this issue, please read Rob Stein's piece in The Washington Post; or Mike Stobbe of the Associated Press.

Somehow I managed to live 30+ years without having to change a single diaper, but that all changed eight weeks ago today when my wife and I became new parents to our daughter, Lucy. While I am not a parenting expert yet and still have a lot of questions, I think I am getting the hang of life as a new parent. Dirty diapers, it turns out, are only the tip of the iceberg. In the last two months, I have learned a great deal about babies and what it means to be a father - things I never knew before.

Get your Mr. Mom on after the jump.

I heard this week that a scrappy little nonprofit called Dads and Daughters is closing its doors after a decade of great work.  Their reason for closing is funding problems - not surprising in this tough economy - but still sad and worthy of a mention here.  The mission of this group has been to promote the importance of father-daughter relationships, both in the real world and in the media.  After all, dads are the first men to love us, to value us, to tell us in a million ways that we are worthy, smart, important, and safe.  Talk about building blocks for the future! 

It makes me so mad, and so scared, that a group like this - devoted to committed parenting, girl empowerment, and healthy relationships - can't survive, while the creepy purity ball culture continues to pack the banquet halls of America.  Why is it easier to find support for virginity pledges to dad (that amount to little more than contracts of ownership over teen girls' bodies) than to find support for smart, constructive, relationship-building work that truly values the role of fathers in girls' lives? 

Check out their 10 tips for Dads of Daughters.  Good stuff. 

Yesterday, on Father's Day appropriately, Senator Barack Obama addressed a congregation in Chicago about the importance of young men supporting their families and taking the responsibility to raise the children they have.  Suggesting that too many fathers are absent from their children's lives, the Democratic Presidential candidate said this:

"We need fathers to realize that responsibility does not end at conception. We need them to realize that what makes you a man is not the ability to have a child -- it's the courage to raise one."

Might I suggest that what would be even more courageous would be rewinding the clock a bit, say nine months or so earlier? Responsibility, it seems to me, begins long before sex, pregnancy, and birth.  What makes you a man is having the courage to wait to become a father until he is really ready to raise a child.  For some that means not having sex at all; for many it means making sure you and your partner use condoms and birth control every single time.

Don't get me wrong; I think the Senator's thoughts about responsible fatherhood are right on target.  Where I grew up, a situation like mine--living with both mom and dad--made me a part of the "weird" family.  We usually ate dinner together, and my dad would come fetch me from doing ultra-cool things with my pre-teen friends to do so.  And research without question shows that kids generally do better when both parents are around.

But why is it that when it comes to male involvement and responsible fatherhood programs, there is so little focus on encouraging men to be responsible by preventing an unplanned pregnancy--before a child or even a pregnancy is involved?  While there are numerous attorneys general and child support enforcement officials all over the country doing great work to make sure men take responsibility for their actions and support the lives they helped create, I suspect their jobs would be a whole lot easier if we devoted more attention to making sure they don't become daddies in the first place.