Yesterday on The Tyra Banks Show, Tyra interviewed Eric and Lauren, a couple who waited until they got married to have sex. After two years of marriage they are still virgins because Lauren freaks out every time they attempt to have sex. Click here to watch a clip of the interview and see what Jezebel had to say about it.
I don't know if religion played a part in their decision to wait to have sex. But as a card-carrying member of the Christian community I can tell you that I have heard this story before. It goes like this: boy meets girl, they fall in love, and because they are "good Christians" they wait to have sex until they get married, and then after the wedding sex is a huge obstacle for the woman. Why, might you ask? Because a ring and a marriage certificate do not erase years of being told: "Sex is bad. Don't do it, and as a Christian girl, with no sexuality of your own, it's your job to play defense because boys can't control themselves." I'm not saying that abstinence until marriage is a bad thing. But in my opinion, teaching women to fear sex and their own sexuality is emotionally and spiritually damaging.
The church teaches so many good things about relationships: love, respect, commitment, compromise, communication, and self-sacrifice. But I think it can do a better job of talking about sex and sexuality.
Polls suggest that teens feel that girls receive different messages than boys about sexuality. Do you think your church (if you have one) sends different messages to girls and boys?
Do you think churches should change the way they teach about sexuality?
Thanks for your post, Stefanie! Unfortunately it's not just churches that are sending these negative messages to kids--apparently there are public school programs promoting fear of sex too, especially among girls... (http://www.dmagazine.com/Home/2009/05/01/The_Problem_With_Abstinence_Education.aspx) It's perfectly understandable that parents and other adults want to strongly discourage teens, especially young teens, from having sex, but the healthiest and most effective way to do so is to provide information, education, and guidance, not baseless misinformation about contraception and gender roles. On the other hand, it's true of course that messages from parents and other long-term influences are much more powerful and important than an hour (or eleven hours) of sex ed class...
Our abstinence education here in our county does not teach us that sex is bad. As a matter of fact, it teaches us that sex is great within the context of marriage. We are not scared into thinking that sex is taboo. However, we have learned that the safest and best way to keep our bodies and mind healthy is to abstain until we are in a lifelong committed relationship such as marriage. So many people have the wrong information about abstinence education.
I grew up in the church and continue to be Christian and have studied and talked quite a bit about female Christian sexuality. I do agree, the church (as a whole) could do a much better job about celebrating the God-given gift of sexuality rather then making people feel that sex is bad...that is definately not the message the Bible gives! I think that process needs to begin with each individual engaging with their own sexuality.
But what was going on with the couple on Tyra is not regulated to only religous people...it's dealt with surprisingly more then one would think. Check out the website www.vaginismus.com for tons of info on it.