Why is it that some people are better listeners than others? You can tell when someone is listening to you--really listening--when they're actually taking in what you're saying, considering it, and perhaps not even having a response at the ready--not simply planning their next conversational move. Listening is a form of respect, and one that is easily mowed over by the desire to get one's own point across. Like a monologue masquerading as a dialogue.
Since October is "Let's Talk" month (see Bill Albert's post from earlier this month), maybe the added attention will get some parents to move from wanting to talk with their teens about love, sex and relationships to actually doing it. But a critical part of this conversation--and really any conversation with someone you care about--has to be the listening part. We've heard from teens for over a decade now that they are afraid to ask their parents about sex and contraception because they are convinced that mom or dad will freak out and assume that their teen is already 'doing it.' Or that it will be so embarrassing their heads will explode.
But a real conversation about this topic includes just as much listening as it does talking. We at the Campaign urge parents to be clear about their values and expectations--and to understand that if you don't explicitly tell your teen what your values are and why you hold them, you can't expect them to just know what they are by osmosis. So, yes--talk. But also ask questions. And listen to the answers. Whether you start the conversation, or your teen does, let your teen know that you're glad he or she trusts you enough to talk about these topics with you. And that you respect him or her enough to listen to their questions and concerns without assuming the worst or jumping to conclusions.
There is no script or 'right' conversation for every family. We have tips, brochures, and resources aplenty to help parents get the ball rolling, but ultimately it's your own views and values that will shape the first conversation with your teen about love and sex, and the (hopefully) many other conversations to come. Perhaps one way to teach our teens about respect in their romantic lives is to demonstrate it by really listening in our own conversations with them.
What do you think? Any stories to share about talking with your teens about sex? Helplful ideas for other parents? We want to hear from you.
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